heart of darkness

It is not unexpected…this eventual outcome of events follows the age old pattern, and yet there is disappointment. damned hope refuses to budge, to adhere to the ritual…rears its optimistic head until clobbered down once again and shown its rightful place.

there is no fighting the inevitable. you could retract into your shell, which you will. if not now, then all of a sudden, in the most seemingly social of your moments you will withdraw. when all the sadness of the world will decide to pierce through your chest and fill your heart. but even then the saddest lines will elude you. the silences will linger. as always, memories of happier days may give momentary respite but will never weigh on the despair. even so, you will seek such respite. you know it will have to be induced, for it finds no energy to come by itself. 

but as you grope for familiar trails, you will falter and all roads will converge and lead into the heart of darkness in all its stark violence and disdain. you will hope to disintegrate. the wrath of love will not spare anything, whether in its way or otherwise. and in such power it could redeem you. but it won’t. it will burn down all that was good, all that could have dispelled the corruption. but it will let the darkness in the centre stay. and breathe. heavy breaths that will repay their debt, spewing smoke on the ashen remains of what was good, efface what even the onslaughts of a raging love could not touch, that which is recorded in no memory but flows in the veins, with the blood. that which is enmeshed with the heart beat, with those breaths long before they became so labored. the light that was and that never did die out despite all the darkness.

and you wonder which of these loves left you the legacy of hope…the one that gave and gave even when there seemed nothing to give. or the one that consumed it all in an unparalleled moment of fury. and even as you wonder, you are only too aware of the final outcome. the incorrigible seed of expectation. its unavoidable murder in the most heinous of ways. the expected withdrawal into the heart of darkness in a desperate but vain bid to stop it from spreading. the cycle will go on and even as you slowly begin to lose yourself in the darkness, bits of you will remain. refuse to surrender. despite all odds. the legacy of hope after all is the curse you are meant to live with. and death will always be the luxury you cannot afford.