confessions

I.
I miss you, Ma.
It is nice here, and if I am being recorded
As I often am,
I will exhaust my limited vocabulary
In describing this as the best time ever.
My quieter moments, when i miss you the most,
are not captured, especially the nights.
But the yoga, the swimming, the posing.
The laughter, the lies, the tomfoolery are there.
I don’t know if you know, but
I do that for you.
I know you will smile when you watch it.
And father too. I miss him.
Not in the same way.
But we are family.

II.
I miss you, Ma.
I am filled with a trepidation
Very different from my fear of the dark
When you say you want to be a star.
Stars are so far. And dim.
The other day, they were watching
a movie about two kids whose
Mom and dad had become stars.
I asked them how that had happened.
They did not know.
I find I cannot sing ‘twinkle twinkle little star’
Without crying now.
(it is small mercy that I have outgrown it)
I don’t want you to become a star, Ma.
Because we are family.

III.
I miss you, Ma.

IV.
I miss you, Ma.
I see you singing along with Mehndi 

Hasan playing on your phone,
deeply lost in the world of whatsapp.
keeping the house together
the way only you can.
Dad was right last night.
Have you noticed though
You are kinder to me now?
As if something has changed.
it is in the crevices of these little
changes that fear has made a home.
To miss you is to miss the comforting
recklessness of taking you for granted.
After all, we are family.

V.
I miss you, Ma.
I smile, laugh, work,
sleep, and live out life in all its
glorious routine, but You
are not here. And i still am.
It is like i must unlearn
My visceral response to life, and
Find another formula.
It cannot be bought off the shelf.
Though well meaning friends have tried.
I will be fine, you had said and that teenage
rebellion is long gone to do otherwise.
Father daydreams more now, but don’t worry,
I am around for the reality checks.
Broken, but still we are family.